Communication

com⋅mu⋅ni⋅ca⋅tion Spelled Pronunciation [kuh-myoo-ni-key-shuh n]
–noun
1. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.
2. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
3. something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.
4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc.
5. passage, or an opportunity or means of passage, between places.

 These last few months, I have been the shoulder and ear to a friend of mine that is going through some difficult times in her marriage. So much so, that it is leading to divorce. I am talking, papers filed and everything. It is a bittersweet ending because they are good people. They are just no longer good for each other, and may not have been for some time now. Hard to say. Perhaps this has been brewing for a while now and things just finally came to the surface and eventually got out of control to the point of no return. Without divulging too much, one of the main things is the serious lack of communication. Things get said, feelings get hurt, people get pissed. So what, it happens. But when you can’t and won’t even tell the person what is on your mind for sake of keeping the peace, that spells trouble. It can resonate and you will stew in it until eventually it just boils over. In the midst of all the stewing, something is finally said about how you feel and it will not come out in a civil tone. That is when it gets really ugly and blown out of proportion.

I feel that if you are going to say it, just say it. Don’t wait. There is a way to say things that will not put the other person on the defensive. I lived too long like that where I would never speak up, stand up or voice my opinion. I got tired of it and finally decided to make that change. To be heard. That has had a nice impact on my communication with Hunter (and all of my relationships for that matter). He respects and appreciates my candidness. We can sit down and hash out a problem, issue or even have a (gasp) normal conversation. If there is an issue, it may or may not get resolved right then, but we are communicating. We are not trying to keep peace by pussyfooting around the issue.

Communicating effectively takes practice and a great deal of effort. Without communication, it is almost impossible to resolve conflicts or grow in your relationship. I realize that communication is not the whole picture to a successful marriage, but it sure doesn’t hurt to have it. It seems to make everything else fall into place nicely. With that being said, I had some thoughts on the subject matter. What makes me and Hunter tick and why we are able to talk so easily?

1. No one wins. Arguments are not a win or lose situation. You argue, you resolve, should be end of story.

2. Compromise is essential to problem solving. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise. This can be difficult depending on your position with the issue at hand though. Must choose carefully with this one.

3. Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive problems. Don’t just jump right into the conversation. Start off gentle depending on the subject matter. You certainly don’t want to put your husband/wife on the defensive before you have really gotten to your point.

4. Be a good listener and make sure you understand what he/she has said to you. For example, if you were given an assignment at work and didn’t understand all of what was being said, you would ask questions. You would ask for clarification. Same thing in your marriage. If you don’t understand, ask for some clarification.

5. If the conversation gets too heated and you find yourself not listening to each other or you started slinging insults, take a much needed break. This is the part where things could get ugly and it is hard to come back from.

6. Be careful of your body language.

7. Be honest and focus on the real issue. If you waffle on the point you are trying to make, you probably won't make it.

8. Don't ever be rude or talk down to your spouse. Don't dismiss an idea or thought as absurd. Listen to his/her point. All. The. Way. Through. Does not mean you can’t interject your own thoughts, but give them a chance to get their whole point/thought out. It is just like telling your child to not interrupt when people are talking. You should not do it either.

9. Stay on track.

10. If you find yourself still struggling, there is a good chance you may need some outside intervention. And that is okay. Many couples need to be taught how to talk to each. There is nothing wrong with that. You just need to recognize when it is time.